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Jokes for anybody.
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2 polar bears are walking around in the artic. a father and son
pair.
The son looks at the father and says, " Dad I got a question, are u
sure I am 100% polar bear?"
The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are
you sure I am 100% polar bear?"
The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you
sure I am 100% polar bear are You sure there is no black bear or
grizzly bar in me??"
"Yes son your 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your
mother.
Why do you keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about
you but I am freezing"
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary.
His wife told him: "Tomorrow there better be something in the
driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York
City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance, by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and
also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5,
$200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound"...
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
H.L. Mencken
The aircraft entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms
walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a
cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill
the
cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The
passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in
good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."
A man brought a limp dog into the vet clinic. The doctor pulled
out his stethoscope, placed it on the dog's chest, and said, "I'm
sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "I want another opinion!"
With that, the doctor left the room and returned with a Labrador
retriever who sniffed the limp dog and said, "Woof."
The veterinarian then brought in a cat, which walked around the dog,
shook his head, and said, "Meow."
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed
the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner became enraged and
questioned the bill.
The doctor shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my
word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and
the Cat scan ..."
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men
12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't
drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Cheers!
COACH: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
NORM: Daddy wuvs you.
SAM: What'd you like, Normie?
NORM: A reason to live. Give me another beer.
SAM: What's new, Normie?
NORM: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.
SAM: What'll you have Normie?
NORM: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of that tap.
SAM: Looks like beer, Norm.
NORM: Call me Mister Lucky.
WOODY: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending.
WOODY: How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Poor.
WOODY: I'm sorry to hear that.
NORM: No, I mean pour.
WOODY: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.
WOODY: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody.
WOODY: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
SAM: What do you say, Norm?
NORM: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
SAM: What do you know there, Norm?
NORM: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
COACH: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
NORM: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
WOODY: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
NORM: I know. If she calls, I'm not here.
WOODY: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
NORM: The warranty on my liver.
CLIFF: Hey, Norm, What's up?
NORM: My blood-alcohol level.
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she
prays, "if I
don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win
the
lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even
harder,
saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving.
Please
just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears
God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Roles of the World:
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very
often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
26. People might think you're stupid, but don't open your mouth and
prove it!
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you
are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All
the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and
without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are
tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two
floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall
and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they
realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are
missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we
are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied,........................
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only
$15.41?"
Some rules of the air for flyboys:
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane travelling in the opposite direction.
You start out with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before emptying the bag
of luck.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the
widest desert and climbed the highest mountain.
She divorced him.
He was never home.
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught
the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going
to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village
should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and
sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I
told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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